On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a ceramic partridge sitting in a live bonsai pear tree. (Cool!)

On days two through four, True Love arrived with nothing less than 4 calling birds, three French hens, and 2 turtledoves. (Cool and CLEVER.)

On the fifth day of Christmas, Mr. Love gave to me… 5 bags of birdseed (Hmmm… practical, if not generous.)

On the sixth day of Christmas, TL gave to me…6 replacement batteries for the heater of the high-tech, state-of-the-art, solar-powered, Audubon-approved, environmentally friendly, lightweight, cost-effective, weather-resistant SunBather 2000 Bird Bath. This means my little feathered friends can have fresh water to wash down the 5 bags of birdseed, which lasted about 20 minutes (Hmmm…practical…and sooooooo romantic.)

On the seventh day of Christmas, the old geezer gave to me… 7 wire brushes to clean the high-tech, state-of-the-art, solar-powered, Audubon-approved, environmentally friendly, lightweight, cost-effective, weather-resistant SunBather 2000 Bird Bath. This has to be done every day, it seems. (OK…I’ll give him practical, but this is definitely NOT cool, thoughtful or considerate.)

On the eighth day of…blah, blah, blah… 8 boxes of raccoon repellent. (Gee whiz, a lesser man would have sent flowers!)

On the ninth day… oh, never mind…let’s just cut to the chase….

What’s-his-name gave me: 12 glass bird ornaments (cat broke ‘em), 11 cartons of mealy worms (always the Don Juan), 10 songbird place mats (the table seats 4), 9 blocks of suet (raccoons got ‘em), 8 boxes of raccoon repellent (yeah, right), 7 wire brushes (woman’s work is never done), 6 replacement batteries for the heater of the high-tech, state-of-the-art, solar-powered, Audubon-approved, environmentally friendly, lightweight, cost-effective, weather-resistant SunBather 2000 Bird Bath (which broke when the raccoons knocked it over), 5 puny little bags of birdseed, 4 calling birds, three French hens, 2 turtle doves, and a ceramic partridge (the tree never had a chance).

On day thirteen, I got a new boyfriend. He’s a jeweler.